Mummy Honesty

Someone else’s opinion of you is none of your business.
— Rachel Hollis

So here it is, the start of my blogging journey…

I’m not sure what to say here. I’m not sure what the future will hold for this blog.

I’m not sure what the future will hold for me!

What I am sure of however is that I’ve been through one hell of an ordeal these past 2 years (and continue to deal with it if I’m being honest)

I want to document my thoughts and feelings somewhere. So I’m starting a blog. Not entirely my idea, it was suggested by my CBT counselor who I have been meeting with for almost a year now. I tried starting a vlog, but I haven’t been able to make time for that. I do however spend some time in bed each night on my phone, so I’ve decided that instead of scrolling mindlessly through social media, I would make time for me.

My aim as I write this is to write down some experiences from my life. If it helps someone else that’s struggling with something similar, that’s amazing and I’m so glad to be able to help others. But mostly this is for me.

I spent the last 2 years struggling. Struggling harder than I knew was possible. See, I’m a “tough cookie” I’ve “got my shit together” or at least that’s the appearance i show off to the world.

As a matter of a fact, I am a 31 year old mum, wife and home owner with a good career, nice car and 2 dogs.

But if I dig deeper, I’m a trauma/abuse survivor with an anxiety disorder, who takes medication and attends counselling. I have learned all this about myself very recently, because after giving birth to my beautiful son, I suffered from Postnatal depression and this triggered PTSD (which I didn’t even know I had) from childhood trauma and abuse I suffered as a 9year old child (21years prior).

I have been on a journey, that at times, I didn’t know if I would ever return from. And although I’m not quite home yet, I’ve learned some things about myself and what I am capable of, so i want to document it for me. So when i inevitabley have a fall along the way or find I’m straying too far from the neighbourhood, I can find my way back home again.

This is my journey, you are welcome to join me along the way. It wont be an easy read. And not just because of my dyslexia, but because of the personal nature of some of the posts (I hope to share in future).

I’m going to remind myself of the quote above each time I write however. Because, like most of us, i do struggle with criticism and i worry what sharing some of my deepest thoughts on the internet could lead to. But i must remember, others opinions of me are none of my business, i just need to make sure that i am happy with the person i am/am working on being.

So, I made a realisation recently when listening to a new audio book (Girl – Stop Apologising by Rachel Hollis).

I realised that “me time” isn’t about getting time alone to unwind, watch youtube etc. Me time should be time that I actively set aside to better myself.

This is a weird concept in some ways, yet in others its totally obvious.

As a kid, the majority of my day was spent in school, learning and bettering myself. Now as an adult, this time is replaced with a means to earn ££££.

This left the weekends and evenings as the time I had to better myself.

As time passed, this time was taken up with bigger and bigger tasks like buying our first home, side gigs (I fancied myself as an entrepreneur for a time).

Then these projects got bigger. Planning our wedding, planning our new home, planning our honeymoon, planning our family…

Yet here I am, at 31, with my dream house, my dream husband, my dream kid in a great job, and I’ve been feeling so lost.

I’ve spent so much time working on these amazing projects, I haven’t made time for me.

I’ve put so much of myself into these projects, now they’re basically complete, I’m feeling drained, like I’ve nothing left.

I realised that I was sacrificing my health, my finances, my head space, my down time, my future… all for these projects. That now they’re finally here, I’ve forgotten what I did before them.

These “self help” books have helped me realise that I need to set new goals.

I’m so excited to sit down with a note pad and pen and draw out spider diagrams for all the aspects of my life.

– My health & fitness goals

– my career goals

– my family goals

-my financial goals

-my garden goals

Once I’ve set these goals and can visualise them, then comes the meat to go on the bones (as a vegetarian I wish I could think of a different analogy). The meat are the actions I will be taking to see these goals through.

To get healthier so as I don’t struggle as much during another pregnancy, I’ll need to exercise, so what does that look like?

To further my career so I’m not returning from another maternity break to the same old repetitive job, I’m going to develop my skills & network more.

My family goals, we would love 1 more kid. Our current one is too adorable to stop at 1. But this links in with the points above, and also the financial one.

Our finances are, well, a lot right now. Having doubled our property value in 4 years and still feeling like we aren’t finished, having a loan still to pay on our wedding and childcare costs eating up 75% of my wage. It would be amazing to clear all loans and credit cards in the next few years so as we can afford family activities and holidays in the future. In the meantime, our house is so freaking awesome, we can make do with staycations for now.

Our garden is a bit of a priority. Having been an overgrown jungle, come builders dumping ground/dog bathroom. It’s safe to say that neither me or my husband have very green thumbs. However, now we have a 2yo monkey for a son, were keen to have some outside space for us to utilise come summer. So it’s up there on the to do list. I have so many ideas (Pinterest has much to answer for) and now is the time to make it a reality on as cheap a budget as we can afford.

It’s so empowering writing these down. And what’s even better, is making it happen. To do this it takes planning. For this, I need to go with what has worked for me in the past. In work I keep a calendar and take time at the start of each week to make a plan. So I will do this each week for my “me time”.

There is a general rule of thumb that you should make 5h a week to make your goal happen. As mine are many and span different lengthens of time, I will work to balance this time each week. It won’t always be easy and I will make mistakes but I will learn from them!

It’s time to put the toddler boots on, try something new, grow myself as an individual, strive toward a new future and when I inevitabley fall flat on my face, get up, dust off and try again.